This piece was written twenty years ago, back in 1990. It was a study for a short Monty Pythonesque skit to be fitted into a variety show that the writers group I belonged to was working on at the time. Although the show was never produced, this and a couple of other fragments survive. The exercise was good practice in collaboration. Although some of the actual language needs to be tweaked, it’ still pretty funny after a couple of decades.


The Canine Body Armor Skit

by

B. H. Triber

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This script is the sole property of the playwright. As such, it may not be produced, performed, reproduced, recorded, transmitted, retransmitted, in any form, format, or media in part or in whole without the express written permission of the playwright. Additional copies of this script must be obtained through the playwright. All United States Copyright Laws and International Copyright Laws apply.


Cast of Characters

MAN 1
MAN 2

  

Setting: An office somewhere in a major city.


[MAN 1 enters through door stage left. MAN 2 is sitting at his desk thumbing through paperwork.]

MAN 1
Hello.

MAN 2
Ah, hello. You are Mister Burnkinshire?

MAN 1
Yes. That’s me.

MAN 2
Welcome to Bunky, Harang, Spittle, Droppings and Smith. I’m Mister Bunky. Come right in. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

MAN 1
Thank you.

MAN 2
And you’re here about one of our special courses in can opener operation.

MAN 1
I beg your pardon?

MAN 2
I said you’re here about one of our courses in can opener operation, are you not?

MAN 1
No. Actually I came here to inquire about canine body armor.

MAN 2
Oh. I’m sorry. I thought I had spoken to you earlier about our can opener course. (Pause.) Are you sure I can’t interest you in it? It’s brand new and improved.

MAN 1
Improved? How can it be improved if it’s brand new?

MAN 2
We firmly believe that there is always room for improvement.

MAN 1
Yes. I totally agree, but where has it been improved?

MAN 2
Well, we didn’t offer the course before.

MAN 1
Yes. But that only makes it new.

MAN 2
Well, we consider it an improvement over not offering it at all.

MAN 1
I don’t see any usefulness in teaching people how to operate a can opener.

MAN 2
Of course it’s useful. Do you realize how many people died of starvation last year alone due to their inability to open a can of Spaghetti-os?

MAN 1
No. How many?

MAN 2
None, actually. But the previous year a man did die.

MAN 1
Of what?

MAN 2
I don’t know really.

MAN 1
Look, could we get back to what I came in here for?

MAN 2
Oh. Sorry. Now, you were interested in the automatic three in one electric wok and vacuum cleaner.

MAN 1
The what?

MAN 2
The automatic three in one electric wok and vacuum cleaner.

MAN 1
Automatic electric wok and vacuum cleaner? That’s only two. How do you get three in one?

MAN 2
It makes a great toilet plunger. Interested?

MAN 1
No. I came in about the canine body armor.

MAN 2
Ah. That’s right. Now. What size socks do you wear?

MAN 1
What size socks do I wear? What sort of question is that?

MAN 2
It’s part of our questionnaire. It helps us determine whether or not to send you a catalogue.

MAN 1
What does my sock size have to do with it?

MAN 2
Company policy. You’ll have to answer the question. It’s a prerequisite to dealing with Bunky, Harang, Spittle, Droppings and Smith.

MAN 1
Size 14.

MAN 2
Ah— I... see.

MAN 1
What? What’s wrong with my sock size?

MAN 2
Nothing. Nothing. Now. What brand of undergarments do you wear?

MAN 1
Really! What sort of question is that? It’s none of your business what kind of undergarments I wear! The very nerve...

MAN 2
Please, Mister Burnkinshire. I assure you that all the questions I’m asking you are reviewed very carefully by the company to decide which of our mailing lists to place you on. Please answer the questions frankly. It’s all precautionary. There isn’t any need to send out brochures and catalogues that get looked at once and dumped in the incinerator, don't you agree?

MAN 1
I don’t.

MAN 2
What do you mean, you don’t? It’s very important not to waste paper nowadays...

MAN 1
I mean I don’t wear undergarments! There, I’ve said it! I don’t wear undergarments! Are you happy now?!

MAN 2
Well, there’s no reason to get upset over it, unless, of course, it chafes. No undergarments... Hm. Well, next question. What brand of condoms do you prefer?

MAN 1
What?! I have had quite enough of this nonsense! I came here for a suit of canine body armor! I didn’t come to be interrogated!

MAN 2
It’s alright. You don’t have to answer that question. It was an optional one. No need to feel offended.

MAN 1
Do you treat all your customers the same way?

MAN 2
No. Only the first time customers.

MAN 1
Only the first time... In other words you do.

MAN 2
No. I didn’t say that. I said only the...

MAN 1
Yes. Only the first time customers. But they all have to come here for a first time.

MAN 2
We get many repeats.

MAN 1
I don't see how.

MAN 2
Well, you’re the first one to complain about our questionnaire.

MAN 1
And how many other customers do you have?

MAN 2
That information is strictly confidential.

MAN 1
Strictly confidential?! Tell me how many other customers you have, or I’m leaving, and I’ll be back with the Inspector General.

MAN 2
None.

MAN 1
None?

MAN 2
None.

MAN 1
Well. I see. That would explain the complaint department, or lack thereof.

MAN 2
Are you still interested in the combination French yogurt maker and pooper scooper.

MAN 1
What?! No! I wanted canine body armor.

MAN 2
Ah. The body armor. Now, would you like chain mail or plate armor?

MAN 1
Why? What’s the difference?

MAN 2
Well, the chain armor can withstand an attack of up to, but not including shark attack.

MAN 1
Well, It’s highly unlikely that my dog will be attacked by a shark.

MAN 2
One never can tell. Let’s say you’re at the beach. You throw a frisbee to your dog. It lands in the water. Your dog goes in after it. Tell me, would you want it on your conscience that Rover’s been eaten by a shark simply because you didn’t invest in shark proof armor? I didn’t think so.

MAN 1
Well, what have you got that will repel shark attack?

MAN 2
Our plate armor will do just fine. What kind of dog do you have?

MAN 1
A dachshund.

MAN 2
Ah. That’ll be extra for the length. Okay. Say you and... what’s your dachshund’s name?

MAN 1
Weener.

MAN 2
Okay. Say you and Weener are on the beach and you throw the frisbee to Weener. It lands in the water. Weener goes in after it. But, this time Weener’s wearing the Bunky, Harang, Spittle, Droppings and Smith patented Canine Plate Body Armor. The shark tries to bite down on him, but all Weener feels is a little squeeze around the waist. The shark lets him go. Weener gets the frisbee and runs back to shore, not a hair harmed.

MAN 1
What if the shark’s a great white? It’d swallow him whole. And besides, how can Weener jump for the frisbee with all that armor on? How much does it weigh anyhow?

MAN 2
One hundred and forty pounds.

MAN 1
One hundred and forty pounds?! If he went in the water after the frisbee, he’d drown! Look, all I want is something for the home, to protect him from the neighborhood cats.

MAN 2
Do you live in the city?

MAN 1
Yes.

MAN 2
Then you’ll need something that’s bullet-proof. Our plate armor is bullet-proof.

MAN 1
Bullet-proof?! Who would want to shoot a dog?

MAN 2
Someone whom he had bitten.

MAN 1
He has no teeth!

MAN 2
Not much of a dog then, is he. I’d shoot him to put him out of it.

MAN 1
What? Now look, I’ve had enough of this. Since I’ve walked in here, I’ve been interrogated, insulted, not to mention that you’ve just threatened my dog. I’ll take my business elsewhere! (Slams door.)

MAN 2
Are you sure I can’t interest you in a combination toaster, intercontinental ballistic bread launcher? It does windows!

[BLACKOUT.]


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